The year was 2019 and life was pretty lit. I had just scored a fairly senior position at a large Canadian university and had more creative opportunities than I could keep up with. On top of making bank at my day job, I was about to perform in the short play I wrote for the spring season of a prestigious Toronto theatre company and had an article published on my endeavors in Women of Influence. My group of friends was solid, and I had a supportive and cool family that I hit up rooftop lounges and clubs with sometimes.
I was also single and had spent nearly three years rebuilding myself after a long, complex relationship that lasted half of my twenties. It was a good time to see what was out there, so I did what many fellow millennials were doing – I downloaded the dating app with the pink flame logo and dove deep into the digital dating space, where I unintentionally launched a side gig as a professional sh*t disturber.
Here’s what I learned:
1. Dating with a physical disability provides tons of insight into human nature
First, let’s get this out of the way: I can’t walk. I never have and never will, and I’ve been comfortable with this for most of my life. I was born with a rare condition that prevents the joints in the limbs from bending properly, so I use a wheelchair to get around. This is something I make astonishingly clear in my digital dating profile by mentioning it both in my bio and uploading several photos where I am indisputably using a wheelchair.
While none of this means a shortage of matches, it does invite a long list of curious Casanovas, who open with questions and comments about the pursuit of a woman in a wheelchair. These comments include but are not limited to variations of the following:
- “Are you paralyzed from the waist down?”
- “The wheelchair is not a dealbreaker to me.” (Or more explicitly, “I don’t care if you’re in a wheelchair, I would still rail you all night.”)
- “What’s sex like? Do you still feel pleasure?”
- “I hope you will get better soon, baby girl.” (Followed by some line about science or God coming to rescue me.)
- “Awww you’re still so beautiful though. And your body is fire!”
- “But I don’t get it, you’re standing in some of your pics…” (Kneeling, actually. There is a difference. But you’re right homeslice, you caught me. Consider detective work ASAP.)
In the disability department, what struck me the most was the common belief that pursuing me either casually or seriously was an act of goodwill.
In the disability department, what struck me the most was the common belief that pursuing me either casually or seriously was an act of goodwill. Very charitable indeed to spit such inclusive game, but unbeknownst to my digital suitors, I am far pickier than most, and cried many a tear in laughter while reading messages of reassurance about my sex appeal being intact in spite of my deformities. (and so did my audience on Instagram.)
Am I really being ignored by a girl in a wheelchair? Even the disabled are shitty in this city!
On the flip side, rejection by a “chick in a chair” is far more likely to cause ego bruises with possible tantrums. In fact, a severe ego bruise is responsible for the launch of my side gig as a sh*t disturber. Early in my swiping days after a long day of work, I opened Tinder to a breathtaking love letter from one of my matches that I hadn’t had the chance to respond to. It read as follows: “Am I really being ignored by a girl in a wheelchair? Even the disabled are shitty in this city! My lord, I need to move!”
“Hi there,” I replied, “I actually wasn’t going to ignore you, I’ve just been swamped at work and haven’t been on this app all day. However, your attitude is atrocious and now in addition to being ignored by a girl in a wheelchair, you will also be blocked. And FYI, I’m fluent in three languages, am a published writer, and have pornstar breasts constructed by the top plastic surgeon in the province, so you’re right. You never stood a chance with me. Toodles!”
I screen-capped the interaction, cropped out his name and picture, and uploaded it to Instagram Stories. My only intention at the time was to share a little bit of humor and savagery in the context of dating, but one thing led to another, and with the encouragement of a dozen or so of my followers, one screenshot soon turned into hundreds of outrageous little snippets from the digital dating world, and just like that, I was in action as a professional sh*t disturber, specializing in trolling F***boys.
2. Humor and wit are the best F***boy repellants
It is no secret that the rabbit hole of digital dating is home to endless f***boys who thrive at the opportunity to shoot their shot in the most inappropriate and cringe-worthy ways. Many of the gentlemen I encountered on my adventures in the swiping game seldom saw an issue with sending me openers like “Mmm you look good on your knees, babe,” and “I bet I could make you quiver in pleasure.”
While the impulse was there to express outrage when responding, love notes such as these were inevitable, so I quickly adapted to the f***boy habitat and hit them instead with smart-ass responses that worked like a charm in disarming them.
One of my top strategies was to play dumb and twist the meaning of overtly sexual messages that flooded my inbox. As an unforeseen side effect of calling guys out via humor, the quality of conversations quickly improved, and even those with f***boy intentions shifted their tone at the speed of light and attempted to bring their A-game forward.
3. Yes, quality people do exist in the digital dating space
Outside of the designated F***boy zones in the digital dating space, there are endless opportunities to connect with quality people who are interesting, kind and intelligent. In between the time I spent stirring the Tinder pot, I went on plenty of dates that were exciting and in retrospect, had the potential to become something more.
There was an astrophysicist who shared my fascination with philosophy, a Russian guy with a dark sense of humor who was quite possibly an ex-cleanup guy for hitmen in Moscow, and a smooth-talking sales guy just to name a few. But one of the downfalls of swiping culture is the illusion of infinity. With all the current dating apps being mobile-friendly, it’s easy to pull our phones out in the middle of any given activity, and swipe, swipe, swipe in a continual quest for better, hotter, smarter, and I’m no exception to this trend.
The other piece I should add is don’t believe everything you see on Instagram — the nature of my side project created the narrative that digital dating in its entirety is an enormous circus. I receive many messages from people to this day, who express their sincere sympathies for the “sh*t I have to deal with.” I remind them respectfully that in operating this peculiar project, I have a very specific agenda that targets hookup culture and F***boys, so the gentlemen who contribute to intriguing conversations tend not to be the subjects of scrutiny or spotlight via Instagram.
4. There is an ever-evolving universe of slang
“Tryna link?”
The first time this line was dropped on me, I thought the author of the message wanted to add me on LinkedIn. Luckily, I have a younger brother who is an expert in current lingo, and clarified that this meant “Do you want to hang out?” With his guidance, I quickly became privy to the world of “Toronto manz slang,” which didn’t come without a facepalm, or eighty-five.
Some common words and phrases include:
Bare: Many.
Blessed: A way to express appreciation for pleasant circumstances.
Breadcrumb: Lead someone on with sporadic bits of attention and interest.
Fam: Short for “family,” a term of endearment for a close friend or associate.
Lit: Absolutely splendid and phenomenal.
No cap/Facts/Deadass: No bullshit; the truth.
Respect: A way to express gratitude.
Smash: Engage in sexual intercourse.
Waste Yute/Waste Manz: A low-quality person, reminiscent of trash.
“Tryna link?” was my very mild introduction to the current lingo, because messages I received in this lyrical language, later on, read more like “Jeeeeeeze, why you gotta be a tease for like I’m dead-ass tryna smash right now but there’s bare shorties on this app that are f***in’ waste yutes like you.”
Indeed, sublime love letters such as these made their way to my inbox here and there, striking bare chords within my poetic soul. And that’s straight facts, fam.
5. Sh*t disturbers are not welcome on Tinder
Several months into my sh*t disturbing operations, I was permanently banned from Tinder. Presumably, some of the gentlemen I was hitting with smartass responses were becoming offended at my remarks and proceeded to report me. I never uncovered the official reason for my exile from Tinder, but it is possible that someone caught on to my screenshot project on Instagram, and my job title, which read Professional Assassin could have been flagged.
Either way, my exile from Tinder raises questions about bad behavior and who gets away with it. I’m fairly certain that messages I received were far more inappropriate than the smart-ass one-liners I sent in response, yet the f***boy game on dating apps remains strong and unbreakable.
Let’s face it — I wasn’t exactly an angel. I objectified the f***boys objectifying me and went looking for trouble, treating the app like a game, as if every screenshot was a way to level up. In the midst of the lockdown, I turned this strange side gig into a book and am currently wrapping it up with guidance from my agent. She was sold at “Trolling f***boys” and “Sh*t disturber.”
Oh, and one more secret. I broke my way out of exile from Tinder using my mom’s phone number. It’s back to business per usual.
Nikoletta Erdelyi is a self-proclaimed shit disturber in the digital dating space, specializing in trolling f****boys. She is a philosophy nerd who loves to cook and collect fragrances and is working on her debut book, TINDER TALES: Metropolis Manz on the Digital Dating Scene.
